Well, my last post will be a big difference from this post because I have not been able to live up to those expectations and thought processes that I laid out in that post. (Perception, Perspective, and Paying it Forward). I always have and still have been paying it forward (that’s wired into me – it’s just who I am), but it has been quite difficult to live up to the perspective and perception. Things have just been really crappy and not going at all in way that is helpful and I’m starting to get discouraged. Very discouraged. I feel like I’m lost and I’m running out of breadcrumbs to follow back home. I want you to know a bit more about what is going on and why I’m having it so difficult right now. To start, I made a chart (yes, a chart). Let’s put that in here:
So, let’s take a look here. We start off as a “normal” ratio of stress to happiness. Then my life went wildly positive. I married the love of my life and get to spend the rest of my days with her. Additionally, in that time we lump in the adoption of my 4 kids, while stressful, a blessing to my life and I wouldn’t have made a different decision if I could do it all over again. Move forward time a little bit and then I suddenly start to degrade. This is when I started having severe stomach issues, as well as when my anxiety/depression started to kick in. The root cause of this is still unknown and we are working on it daily.
I recently started to see a psychologist and going to a therapist as well to try to get to the genesis of the issue. They have been helpful and we started to see an incline and improvement all around in every aspect of my life. Things were looking great and we were on the track to figuring it out and recovering, then all of a sudden, the therapy and medicine stopped working entirely. I’m not sure whether my body got used to the medicine or if my anxiety/depression is just worsened, but I plummeted and I plummeted hard. The last two months have been some of the most difficult in my life. Of course, you wouldn’t know that, because I’m fairly sheltered and I don’t show many emotions due to something called Alexithymia. It pretty much means that I don’t feel or show some/any emotions like a “normal” person would. In other words, you get a facade and you don’t get the true me. That is reserved for only a few people and those people are a huge asset to me and I will be forever grateful to have them. Unfortunately, things have gotten to the point that those people’s “therapy” of me talking to them has no longer helped to alleviate any of it either. I’ve made a couple of new people that I feel that I can do this with and I’m trying to force myself to talk to more people about it (hence the post you are getting today). I think that if I talk about it and talk with people that exhibit similar behaviors or issues, that it can help me find my next step.
The issue is that I just don’t know where to begin anymore. As you can see by the chart above, things are incredibly difficult for me right now and I feel that I could crumble at any minute. The reason that I don’t know where to begin is that I am now almost Agoraphobic. This HEAVILY limits what I can do. It prevents me from traveling ANYWHERE really. Even 10-15 minutes away from my house is too much at times. This is problematic because the things that need “corrected” are: my physical health, my mental health, my stomach issues, my finances, Lynn’s stress, the kids’ mental health, and my house (repairs and renovations). So I’ve been doing consulting work to bring in money and that’s great when I find the jobs to do, but I need a steady and stable income to be able to provide for my family and get my house fixed up. This is an issue because for that, I would need a good job and I can’t travel. Let’s skip that one and address my stomach, physical, and mental health. I am such a cornucopia of issues that I need to see a GOOD doctor which again, requires travel. I guess we can’t fix that one right now either. Finances would be solved by a job but I’m limited to remote jobs which are highly sought after and hard to get. Lynn’s stress would be greatly diminished if we could figure me out because then I would be able to take some of what she has on her shoulders. She doesn’t need or deserve to have that, but since I can’t travel; she is left taking the kids to most places. Thus, I really don’t know where to begin because it’s all catch 22’s.
There are nights where I feel that I’m going to have a mental breakdown. Tonight is a good example. Here we are, at 2:45 AM and I’m still awake because everything is in shambles. I had a bad day all around. Kids were rough all day, bad day at work as well, then I come home and take the anxiety out on Lynn and we end up fighting. (Lynn and I NEVER fight). I’ve spent the last 3 hours in my computer room trying to get my spirits back about me so that I can get past this “episode”, but this has been a rough one. I’ve even spent some time of it crying, just due to the overwhelming pressure that I’m under and the amount of spiraling my life seems to be doing at this point in time. It helps to just type this stuff up and get it out there. Most people don’t read it anyway. 😛
I’ve been using this song to attempt to lift my spirits, because it is talking EXACTLY about what I’m going through. Whether you are a christian or not, this music is well done, and the lyrics are great. You can use it to mean anyone in your life that you can go to with your issues and they will fix them. Those people will know who they are for me.
Sorry for the long rant, but this really does help. If anyone EVER wants to vent to or chat with me, I welcome it. You can comment here, hit me up on Facebook, or any other communication mechanism we have at our disposal. I tend to be better at helping others than helping myself. If I could just take my own advice and use the knowledge that I have and DO IT, we wouldn’t have this issue. Even with this all going on, I’m putting on my happy face and trying to push through the best I can. It will take some effort, but I think I can do it. I just have to find the first step that will lead me back up the hill to the top. I look forward to that day.
Edit: I do want to point out (and the reason this is the most frustrating thing on the planet), is that I see the positives that I have. I see the blessings in my life. I see how many wonderful things I have and I still am aware of them. I just can’t seem to focus on them. I know they are there. I know I should be happy go luck every day because I have so many wonderful things, but I just can’t and I don’t know why.