Posted on December 17, 2017 by

Circles about Circles that have Circles

Man, I keep saying that I’m going to write more on my blog and I never follow through. Talk about that procrastination and defeatism playing a role. What’s odd is that I enjoy doing it. It’s cathartic for me to write my whoas, frustrations, and successes out. It helps me to see them all and think about them all subjectively since I am divulging them to the public. I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s kinda odd, since I actually enjoy doing the writing as well. Not sure why I can’t get it done. As with many things that I’m contending with right now, it’s very circular. Where to begin…. Let’s give this a shot.

The last time I wrote on here, things were overall optimistic with the anxiety trending downhill. Unfortunately, that path did not stop and has spiraled quite further than we ever expected it to. It’s been a very hard thing to take care of and keep on top of, but we are trying to each and every day. It’s not all bad, but the bad does sure do a good job at overshadowing the good that comes from all this.Let’s see where we are with everything. The weight did keep going. I have now officially lost 85 pounds. I am staying at about 175, or so, which is right about where I should be. It has actually been difficult to not lose MORE than I wanted to because of the diet. I’m targeting about 2500 calories per day right now, which will prevent me from gaining weight as well as giving me enough to not lose. Due to my organic, non-GMO, gluten free, dairy free, and so many other restrictions, that is a task. It’s extremely expensive to feed me, as well as taking a huge amount of work. It wouldn’t be nearly as bad if we didn’t have to feed 5 other mouths in the house, but all of this healthy food is so expensive. It’s crazy, but we are getting by.

Things were going well on the job front as well. I got a job with a company named Conduent doing tech support for other companies that they service. It is a remote position that allows me to work 100% from home. The company is a caring company and they really seem to be concerned about their employees, even though they are a larger company. It was refreshing to find this. The only downfall is that it demands me to be able to answer the phone all day long and not to be interrupted by the kids, animals, or any background noise throughout the entire shift. This can be tgricky for the kids, and it also make it difficult to get my food intake that I need. They only give two 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch. It’s hard to prepare/eat anything in a 15 minutes window, even if it is prepared in advance. It’s a little below my knowledge and professional training, but at this point, I need to take any stable work that I can get. thanks to the anxiety, which we will get to shortly.

Next up, my remote work for my consulting has been slow as well. Some of this is due to the need for Watson/IDE support is going a way a little bit, and it is also due to some of the people I was using the network with no longer being in the field/position that they were in before. This has caused me to reach out and start attempting to work on a few other things to try and get something started. This leads me to Data Savvy Ninjas. This is a new concept that I am working to start up that is going to build software and offer data analysis for small companies and startups. I’m going to build a platform that will allow us to offer the business needs that large companies pay tens of thousands of dollars for and scale that down to make it affordable for startups and mom and pop shops. They deserve to have the good analysis and tools, for a price they can afford. That is the model that I will be shooting for on this one. If you know anyone that fits that mold, or if you need something, don’t hesitate to reach out. I will be more than happy to talk to any one while we try to get this off the ground.

Now, the anxiety has morphed into something unbearable. It is officially agoraphobia. If I get more than a block away from my house, I have major panic symptoms and I lose control over my reasoning skills.Additionally, I have been nauseated for about 2 months now. Yup, straight through. Hasn’t stopped. I can’t fall a sleep at night, even when I’m utterly exhausted. I can’t focus through out the day unless I really try and force myself (which I’ve been doing a lot to get some money flow). Due to the anxiety, I had to take an LoA from work because I wasn’t able to keep the mental clarity for 8 hours straight on the phones to be able to work the shifts. They have been good so far, but I’m still not trending in a way that I can go back and they are talking about “letting me go”. This is a huge blow to me since I don’t mind the work, and I enjoy the company, but I guess it is what it is. Whatever they decide, is what happens. It’s not the end of the world, I know that, but it’s hard to not feel useless at times, especially when I feel like I’m constantly failing for my family, and for my friends. I feel like I’m failing at being a husband, a father, and a provider. On top of that, I have agreed to take on work for little to no payment for people that I love and care for, and have become extremely unreliable to those people. This has been going on for about 2 years now. I really want my ability to juggle these things back so that I can start being a man of my word again. Right now though, I’m damn near useless and it’s a HUGE burden for me to be like that. That’s just not the person I want to be and it’s not the person I was raised to be. To those that fall into this category, I am truly sorry that this is what it has become. On a positive note, I am going to start lumping that work into things that I can do under the Data Savvy Ninjas name to get more work on that portfolio, so I WILL be getting steady time on them as I build this plan out more and start flowing on it.

People have been extremely helpful in trying to find me work and solutions for my illnesses as well. A quick shout-out to them, whom I will only partially name here. Phil702, MC minus A, emttim, ShutterGalT, and InfernalRage have all done great things and tried to be as helpful as they can be to help me get things running again. To that I am eternally grateful. I will be able to pay them back some day. I am sure of that.

Being home-bound and essentially useless in many regard, it has given me a re-confirmed understanding that I have married an absolutely amazing wife. This house, our kids, our animals, and myself would all be an absolute mess if it weren’t for her. She is literally carrying the world on her shoulders right now and she just keeps chugging. She is working more to bring in more money, driving the kids everywhere they need to go, going to the store to get me my special needed items, and so many more things that I can’t even list them all. She is quite honestly, single-handedly making this family operate the best that it is. I do my best to make sure that she knows that, but she still feels like shes letting a lot of people down. I don’t know why she is so hard on herself, but I am just utterly blessed that we found each other and that she is in my life. I would be nothing without her, that I know.

Here’s to making it through the Holiday season and to making 2018 an amazing year for work, career, jobs, family, health, and friends. That’s right, EVERYTHING is going to be awesome next year. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. Thank you all for being a part of that.